The Band Crack Chronicles
by The Hogsmeade Fwoopers
Summary: Pixie Stix, aka Band Crack, comes to Hogwarts! The results are TraumaTraumaTrauma! Rated PG-13 for some almost adult humor.
1. DracoRei-chanBOOM!

Hiya peoples!

Okay, this fanfiction involves basic fangirl obsessions combined with the omnipotent power of band crack, also known as pixie stix. ^_^ Yes, there is much insanity, and since the setting is at Hogwarts, sparks will fly (literally) ^_^

Time for the stinky disclaimer…*grumble* I do not own any characters from Harry Potter (I wish I did, though…_), but Rei-Chan is mine. And no, she's not me. She's only the weird little voice in my head.

Yes, there are references to Montrose Academy's The Jar; a most hysterical web comic. I highly recommend reading it. ^_^ Also, there is a reference to Silent Hill, an incredibly excellent (but terrifying) game. Finally, there's a small reference to WeiB Kreuz. See if you can find it. *evil grin*

And for those sheltered souls who have not read Draco Dormiens or Draco Sinister, a Magid is a witch or wizard who can cast magic without the use of a wand. Just FYI.

Anyway, have fun, and remember-Anything can happen when pixie stix are involved. *evil, insane grin*

~~Rei Shizuka Kasen

****

~~DracoRei-ChanBOOM!~~

Part One

(Setting-Outside grounds of Hogwarts. A Quidditch practice is going on on the pitch. A few students are walking across the green, obviously doing nothing but wasting time.)

Harry- Look at them. They're awful. (Talking about the Quidditch practice)

Hermione- Eh, they're not so bad…they're Hufflepuff! What can you possibly expect?

Harry- True.

Ron- *cocks head to the side* Do you hear that?

Harry- Hear what?

Ron- A flapping sound.

Hermione- You're insane.

*A Swedish Short-Snout appears out of nowhere and lands on the green. A black-haired girl dressed in denim jeans, a black v-cut long sleeve shirt, and a pair of black ski goggles is perched on the dragon's back, squawking like an insane chicken.*

Girl- *Jumps off dragon's back* Good Fluffy-Cutsey-Buttons! Who's the best kitty in the world? Yes, you are! *scratches dragon behind wing*

Hermione- That's a dragon! Not a cat! Get away from there!

Girl- *blinkblink* EEEEEEEEEE!!! *throws both hands in the air* IT'S YOU!!!

Hermione- What's me?

Girl- *races over to the students, tramples Hermione in the process, and throws arms around Harry* HARRY-KUN!!! IT'S REALLY YOU!!!

Harry- Ack! Get off me!

Ron- I wish girls did that to me…

Hermione- *gets up slowly* Operative word: Wish.

Ron- What?

Girl- ………-_- Crap. You're here.

Ron- What's that supposed to mean?!

Girl- *eye twitches* Stupid weasel. Begone.

Hermione- That's not very nice…

Girl- Smart girl.

Harry- *is turning blue from the girl's perpetual hug* Who ARE you? Why are you hugging me? LET GO!!!

Girl- *lets go and smiles kawaii-ly* I'm Rei! You can call me Rei-Chan! *doesn't notice the dragon has begun to eat the Quidditch players in the background*

Hermione- "Rei-Chan…?"

Rei- *glares* I didn't say YOU could call me that…Wait a second. *rummages around in pocket and comes up with several brightly colored tubes* *rips top off one and proceeds to devour powdery substance inside*

Harry- Um…what's that?

Rei- *finishes tube and throws it away* Nothing. *eye twitches* *looks past Harry* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione- What?

Rei- *runs over Harry to another taller individual* SEVVY-POO!!!!!!!! SEVVY-POO-SEVVY-POO-SEVVY-POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hermione- Sevvy-Poo?

Rei- *glomps individual until he can't breathe* SEVVY-POO!!!!!! WAI!!!!!!!!

Snape- ACK! GET OFF!

Rei- *shakes head wildly* Nopeage! 

Snape- NOW!!! I, SEVERUS SNAPE, MASTER OF THIS SCHOOL COMMANDS YOU!!!

Rei- *eyes fill with fangirl tears* My…commanding….Sevvy-Poo…*stars in eyes* 

Harry- *gets up and dusts himself off* ACK! Professor! Um…*fights to keep from laughing*

Snape- Get this thing OFF me!

Rei- *disappears, but pops up right behind him* Can I see your dungeon? *disappears again*

Snape- *whirls around but sees nothing* No!

Rei- *reappears in front of him* Can I see your potions? *disappears again*

Snape- *whirls around again, only to see nothing* NO!

Rei- *reappears floating upside down right in front of him* Can I see your leg?

Snape- NO!!!

Ron- Why would you want to see his leg?

Rei- *appears right in front of him* A bad doggie bit him! I wanna see if he's okay!

Snape- I'M FINE!!! It just left a scar.

Rei- Can I see?

Snape- NO!

Rei- Aw, come on! I'm sure it's pretty! *grabs hem of his robes but gets kicked across the lawn* WHEEEEEEeeeeee……..*thud*

Ron- A dog bit him?

Harry- Fluffy, remember?

Ron- Oh yeah.

Rei- *races back over* Fluffy?…*looks around for dragon* Where'd my Fluffy-Cutesy-Buttons go?!?! *spots it eating the last of the people in the stands* There you are! My cute little kitty!

Hermione- Why do you insist on calling that thing a kitty?

Rei- 'Cause that's what it is, silly! *looks around wildly* ACK! Where's my Draco-Kun?!?!?! I want my Draco-Kun!!!

Ron- "Draco-Kun?"

Snape- Draco Malfoy is in the Slytherin Dormitory.

Hermione- Gee, Ron, I never knew you felt that way about him.

Ron- *glares at Hermione* Look, Ray-

Rei- REI.

Ron- Whoever. How about you go away and leave us alone?

Rei- *eye twitches* How about I smack you? *gets out Beater's bat and whacks Ron on the head* *KNNG* (sound of Ron's skull against the bat)

Harry- Where'd you get that?!

Rei- Stole it from an "orderv" over there. *points to dragon, who's picking its teeth with another bat*

Snape- Ah. Well, go find Mr. Malfoy. As I said, he's in the Slytherin common room. The password's…*whispers in her ear*

Rei- ^_^ Thanky! *gives him one last glomp, then disappears*

Harry- You told her where to go?!?!

Snape- *shrugs* Better him than me.

Hermione- Can't deny that logic.

Snape- *strides off towards castle, but calls over his shoulder* Oh, by the way- A thousand points from Gryffindor. 

Harry, Hermione, Ron- WHAT?!

Snape- That little fiasco was your fault. Another word from any of you and I'll take another thousand.

*The dragon swoops over and promptly chomps down Hermione and Ron.*

Harry- AAAAAUGH!!! *runs off screaming*

Snape- *doesn't notice anything but Harry's incessant screaming* There's another thousand points gone. Too bad.

Part Two

(Setting-Outside the Slytherin Common Room.)

Rei- *appears out of nowhere* HEL-lo!…Oh, yeah, password. *gets out another tube and eats the whole thing in one gulp* Ehehehehehehehehee……..Bas-EEL-ishk! ("Basilisk")

*Wall slides back reluctantly*

Rei- *screams happily at a glass-shattering octave* WAI! *scurries around common room* Draco?! *looks in chair* Draco?! *looks out window* Draco?! *disappears and reappears in the boy's dormitories* Draco?! *sees Flint changing*

Flint- HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!?!?!

Rei- Oops. *disappears and reappears in the common room* Gah! I reeeeeeeeeeeeely didn't need to see that…*shuddershudder*

*wall opens and Draco strides in*

Rei- WAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!! DRACO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Draco- Excuse me?

Rei- *races across dungeon and tackles him* EEE!!! DRACODRACODRACO!!!!!

Draco- *hits floor hard* OW! GEROFF ME!!!

Rei- *blinkblink* Geroff?

Draco- GET OFF!!!

Rei- Oh. *gets up and begins to bounce up and down like an extremely hyper rabbit*

Draco- *gets to his feet* *looks at Rei with a look of fear and disgust* Um….are you okay?

Rei- *doesn't answer, but continues to bounce up and down*

Draco- Hello?

Rei- *stops bouncing*………I can't believe it's really you!!! I'm absolutely delighted to make your-……….Uh oh. Time for a recharge. *takes out two tubes and eats them whole* *begins to bounce again at an incredible rate*

Draco- Are you on drugs or something?

Rei- *octave changing on each syllable* SoRt oF! *continues bouncing* BaNd CrAck!!!

Draco- Okay……..*begins to slowly back away*

*wall slides open and Snape strides in*

Rei- SEVVY-POO!!! WAI!!!

Snape- I see you've found him.

Draco- What's that supposed to mean?!

Snape- Nothing. Nothing at all.

Draco- Suuuuuuuuuuure………*snicker* "Sevvy-Poo"…

Snape- *vein on forehead bulges* Say WHAT?!

Draco- She said it first. *points to still bouncing Rei*

Snape- That's no excuse! Twenty points from Gryffindor!

Draco- ………….Gryffindor?

Snape- You really think I'd take points off my own house?

Draco- Of course not. I see your point.

Rei- ………WAI!!! I've decided!

Snape- What?

Rei- You can go away. *snaps fingers and Snape disappears* Let's go snog behind the curtain, Draco!

Draco- WHAT?!?!

Rei- Snogsnogsnog!!! *claps hands rhythmically*

Draco- But I'm a Magid! Snogging…is…uh….not good!

Rei- *whine* Why?!?!?!?!?

Draco- …Um…If you're not a Magid, I'd kill you.

Rei- Well, I'm a Magid!

Draco- *gulp* You are?!?!

Rei- *nods at an incredible rate* Uh huh!

Draco- Um…well, that's STILL bad.

Rei- WHY?!?!!?!?!

Draco- Um…if two Magids snog, there's a big explosion.

Rei- *blinkblink*…………..What?

Draco- An explosion. You know…BOOM!

Rei- *thinks* Draco….Rei-Chan…Boom…*screams* DRACOREI-CHAN**BOOM**!!!

Draco- ACK!

Rei- *runs in circles around Draco* DracoRei-Chan**BOOM!!!**DracoRei-Chan**BOOM!!!**DracoRei-Chan**BOOM!!! ***laughs like an insane chipmunk*

Voice- Stupefy!

Rei- *gets hit mid-scream by a flash of red light and falls directly on her face, unconscious*

Draco- *spins around* Gah! Whoever that was, thank-…IT'S YOU!!!

Sirius- IT'S ME!

Draco- *runs off to owlery* I'm owling my father!

Sirius- *blinkblink* Whiner.

*Wall opens and Dumbledore strides inside, Snape tagging along at his heels* 

Snape- YOU!

Sirius- Me. *thinks* This conversation sounds familiar somehow…

Dumbledore- *is obviously amused* Lovely to see you again, Sirius.

Sirius- *nods* Albus.

Snape- What's going on?!?!

Sirius- I'm looking for a Swedish Short-Snout…

Snape- You mean the one that just ate the entire Hufflepuff Quidditch team?

Sirius- Probably. A young girl stole it when I was…um…incapacitated in the next town over.

Snape- "Incapacitated"? Don't you mean "getting l-"

Sirius- SHUT UP.

Snape- Anyway, ask her. *gestures to unconscious Rei*

Sirius- Ah. Okay. *points wand at Rei* Ennervate.

Rei- *wakes up suddenly* WAH!…*blinkblink* What the…*looks around* Good Lord, it's Sirius Black!

Sirius- Astute girl.

Dumbledore- Good morning, dear. Can you tell us where a dragon is? The one you took earlier?

Rei- *blinkblink* Oh, you mean Fluff? He's outside somewhere…I saw him by the Quidditch field last.

Dumbledore- Thank you.

Snape- *totally flabbergasted* Wha…She wasn't like THIS! She was hanging all over me! What's going on?!?!?!

Sirius- Fifteen-year old girls hanging all over you is not something to be particularly proud of, Snape…

Snape- SHUT UP.

Rei- ………………..I take it I've missed something.

Dumbledore- I should say so.

Rei- Wait a second…I need a wake-up call…*takes out more bright tubes and devours them in one gulp*…*eyes focus, unfocus, then focus again*…………WAI!!!!!! SIRIUS-KUN!!!!!!

Snape- Here we go again.

Sirius- Again?

Rei- *screams at the top of her lungs and glomps Sirius* My favorite ex-convict!

Sirius- GAH!

Snape- That was about my reaction.

Dumbledore- I see.

Rei- *slow intake of breath* DUMBLEDORE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!! *grabs the front of his robes and marches him out the door* You need a paradigm shift!

Sirius- Um…

Snape- So.

Sirius- *looks at watch*

Rei- *pokes head through door* May I present Professor Albus Dumbledore; as made over by me!

*Dumbledore walks in the door-His beard and hair are braided and in dreadlocks; His bright blue robes have been replaced by grunge-style clothes; and he's sporting a set of ski goggles not unlike Rei's.*

Snape and Sirius- *eyes bulge out of sockets*

Dumbledore and Rei- ^_^

Snape and Sirius- ……………………..

Dumbledore and Rei- ^_^

Snape and Sirius- ………………………………………………………

Dumbledore and Rei- Wai!

Sirius- Excuse me. I have to go gouge my eyeballs out now.

Dumbledore- Then you won't be able to look for your dragon…

Sirius- I don't care.

Snape- *averts eyes* Ahem. Sorry to interrupt, but where did you say the dragon was?

Rei- Kitty! Kitty in the house!

Sirius- "Kitty in the house?"

Snape- That's the name of the flower shop I visit…

Sirius- ……._Flower shop?_

Snape- Shut up.

Sirius- Anyway, what do you mean, "Kitty in the house?"

Rei- *points out window*

*all four go to window, where they see the Swedish Short-Snout destroying Hagrid's hut-Hagrid is running around it screaming, "Fin'ly! My very own drag'n! All mine!"*

Rei- *screams* FLUFFY IS MINE!!! *jumps out window and falls to the ground with a thud, then gets up and runs over to Hagrid. She takes out her Beater's bat, whacks him on the head, and runs over to the dragon. It promptly stops its destruction and lets Rei on its back, then flies away.* I SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP……**YAWP!!!** *laughs like a deranged squirrel*

Sirius, Snape, Dumbledore- *blinkblink*

Sirius- That was interesting…

Snape- That's an understatement.

Dumbledore- I have half a mind to let her come to school here…

Snape and Sirius- NO!!!

Dumbledore- Just joking.

Sirius- Crap. Now I have to continue my search.

Draco- *races back in* Ha ha! A dementor's on its way! Ha ha!…*looks around* Wait…Where'd that weird girl go?

Sirius- She took my dragon and left.

Draco- Darn. I was about ready to take her up on her offer.

Snape- Offer?

Draco- None of your business. *notices Dumbledore's clothes* My God, Professor…What the hell happened to YOU?!

Dumbledore- A…"paradigm shift".

Draco- Whatever. You look really wretched.

Dumbledore- I'm fully aware.

Draco- Uh huh……..

*silence fills the room*

*the wall slides open and a blonde-haired girl enters*

Girl- Have you seen a girl around here?

*DUN DUN DUNNNN….*

~fin~

Yeah yeah, I know. Stupid ending. Sorry…it's the best I can do at 11:00 at night. So sue me. Anyway, read! Flame! Review! And stay tuned.

Next we have RemusGaia**HOWL**.


	2. RemusGaiaHOWL!

A/N: Gaia's turn to play with Band Crack! FunFunFun! Like with Rei/Rei-chan, this Gaia is only a resident of my mind. (Rei: So who _does_ live in your mind? Gaia: Who doesn't?)

We own nothing you might recognize.

I am not Gollum.

~ Gaia Ravyn Myles

****

RemusGaiaHOWL!!!

//Draco, Snape, Sirius, and Dumbledore are standing bewildered in the Slytherin Common Room, staring out the window as a black-haired teenager rides off on a dragon, quoting Whitman//

All: //blink blink//

//Suddenly, the wall slides open and a girl with short, shaggy blonde hair rushes in, wearing jeans, a black T-shirt, and a long black cardigan//

Girl: Excuse me, have you seen a girl wearing ski goggles?

Draco: You mean Rei-chan? //points out the window//

Girl: //hopefully// So you saw her, then?

Draco: //sarcastically// No.

Girl: Oh. //Looks at Dumbledore// Okaay…_so_ not asking. //Scans room critically. Lets out an excited cry and dives across the floor, sliding to Snape's feet//

Snape: Gah! //jumps back from girl's grasp// 

Girl: //sits up, holding a black bag overflowing with brightly colored tubes. Voice changes to a triumphant hiss// My Preciouss…

All but girl: //blink blink//

Girl: //voice returns to normal as she notices the confusion// Rei stole my store of Band Crack. I've chased her all over creation for it. She must have dropped it. //shrugs and hugs bag happily// Yayisms! I have my Band Crack back! //pulls out a bright pink tube//

Sirius: ACK!! NO!! _Accio Crack!_ //tube flies across room to land in his hand//

Girl: //pouts// Well, geez. If you wanted one, you could've asked. I'll share - it's a self-replenishing supply!

Draco, Sirius, & Snape: //eyes pop in horror//

Dumbledore: //looks amused// Really? May I try one? //holds out hand//

Girl: YupYupYup! Nice hair, by the way. //gives him a blue tube//

Dumbledore: You like it? I was thinking of keeping it this way…//eats contents of tube and begins shaking from a sugar overdose//

Girl: Uh-oh. Hyper Headmaster - not good! //snaps fingers and Dumbledore disappears. Rips out another tube and eats the powder before anyone can stop her//

Snape: //turning red with anger// Who are you and what did you do to the Headmaster?

Sirius: What is _in_ those things?

Draco: How'd you make him disappear like that? That could come in handy… //looks thoughtful//

Girl: //answers questions in reverse order, naturally// Easy! Like this! //snaps fingers and appears beside Sirius// Um…sugar, sugar…artificial coloring…sugar…and sugar. I think. //eats another one// Oh, and Headmaster go night-night!

Snape: That still doesn't tell us who you are.

Girl: I'm Gaia! But you can call me…//thinks// Gaia!

Everyone but Gaia: Um…okaaaaay…

Sirius: //looks at watch// Oh, look at the time! I really must be going…

Gaia: WAI! No! Don't leave, Sirius-kun!

Sirius: //eyes widen// Not you too… //begins to back against a wall//

Draco: He'd better leave if he values his soul…

Snape: …if he has one…

Draco: …'cause I sent for a Dementor.

Gaia: WHAT!!! Oh, I can't handle this…Recharge! //eats a handfull of tubes and points at Draco, eye twitching// You - bad! Evil! Shame! Go to hell! //snaps fingers and Draco disappears. Points at Snape// You - be nice! //turns to Sirius// You - come with me! You too, Sevvie!

//Gaia snaps her fingers and all reappear in the Prefects' bathroom, where we see many undressed and showering 5th - 7th year males//

Prefects: AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!! //shield themselves//

Snape and Sirius: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!!! //shield their eyes//

Gaia: //giggles like a schoolgirl…'cause she is one// Oopsies! Wrong place! 

//Gaia snaps her fingers once more and the trio appear out on the school lawn. The devastation of the rampaged Quidditch Field is seen in the background//

Gaia: //turns to the two red-headed boys standing nearby, innocently plotting their next prank// FRED! GEORGE!! //runs over and glomps the one she suspects to be Fred//

Fred: Um…I don't suppose you'd help me, Professor? //looks at Snape hopefully, but the Potions Master is clearly enjoying the sight// Anyone?

George: //staring wide-eyed at Sirius, who is attempting to sneak off to the Forbidden Forest// Um…Fred? Forget the girl for a moment…that's Sirius Black!

Fred: //shakes off Gaia and the twins begin to run after Sirius// Mr. Black!!!! Can we have your autograph!?! PLEASE?!?

Sirius: Eep. //starts to run away//

Gaia: //stamps foot as if throwing a temper tantrum// No chasey my Sirius-kun! Bad! //snaps fingers and the twins suddenly find themselves in one of the teacher's offices, where they immediately begin to wreak havoc. Snaps fingers a second time and Sirius is snatched from his escape to be next to Gaia// Me no likey them being mean to you, Sirius-kun! //wraps arms tightly around Sirius, who looks panicked//

Snape: Well isn't that sweet? Who's got the fifteen-year-old hanging on them now, Black?

Gaia: //lets go of Sirius, glares at Snape in indignation, and eats more 'Powder of Certain Doom' which causes her to begin jumping up and down excitedly// Hey! I'm not fifteen! I'm sixteen, thank you very much! And I can glomp whomever I want! //gets manic look in eyes that scares Snape//

Snape: Um…sorry?

Gaia: //GLOMPS Snape, knocking him back about ten feet// Sirius-kun is only my third favorite, you know. You're my second!!!!

Sirius: Second and third what? //begins to laugh at Snape's predicament//

Gaia: //looks up at Snape// I'll let go of you if you do me a favor.

Snape: //struggling to breathe// Anything!

Gaia: //innocently// Repeat what I say, okay?

Snape: Anything…//gasp//

Gaia: Sham-poo! Shampoo is your friend!

Sirius: //continues laughing head off//

Snape: Sham- HEY!

Gaia: //pouts// You promised you'd say it! You're hurting my feelings…me thinks you lied…that's not nice…

Sirius: //still laughing//

Snape: Oh, all right. 'Shampoo is your friend!' Now let me go.

Gaia: HAHA! I lied! //hugs tighter//

Snape: //chokes//

Voice of person running quickly from forest: PADFOOT!!! GET OUT OF HERE! THE DEMENTORS ARE COMING!!!

Fred and George: //re-emerge from the castle, looking proud of themselves// Padfoot? _The_ Padfoot? As in the Marauder's Map Padfoot? YOU?!

Sirius: //gulps// Um…guilty as charged. For this, at least.

Fred and George: //jumping up and down as excitedly as Gaia// We know a convict!! We know a convict!! He's Padfoot! He wrote the Marauder's Map!

Snape: //wriggles out of Gaia's excited grip// If I'm the second, then I pity the fool who's first. Wonder who he -

//Remus Lupin emerges from the forest, running wildly towards them, still yellling. Gaia's eyes widen in awe and she runs to him//

Gaia: REMMY!!!! REMMY LUPIN!!!

Remus: //stops dead in his tracks// Excuse me?

Gaia: It's really you!! I can't believe it! Oh, dear…this is just too much. REFUEL! //eats as much powered Doom as she can fit into her mouth. Falls to the ground in a dead faint//

Remus: Um…what happened to her? 

Snape: //trance-like// Beware the powder! Beware the powder! //wanders off like a zombie//

//Harry (and Ron and Hermione's ghosts) rush onto the scene//

Harry: Wow, another one! //looks up from the semi-unconscious Gaia to his godfather// Sirius, what are you doing here? Malfoy called the Dementors!

Sirius: I know, I know. I'm going. But someone destroy that bag, PLEASE!

Remus: If it's her bag, the shouldn't we let her destroy it? It looks harmless…

Sirius: //glares at Remus// That bag contains the herald of the Apocalypse, Moony. Destroy it if you value mankind's sanity.

Harry and the ghosts: //nod in agreement//

Remus: Ahh…it can't be that bad…_Ennervate_! //he does, however, make sure to be standing far back//

//Gaia wakes up and the first people she sees are Harry, Ron and Hermione// 

Gaia: AUGH! You!! Get away, you wretched thing! //points at Ron// EvilEvilEvil!

Ron's ghost: //looks bewildered// What is it with people and hating me today?

Hermione's ghost: I dunno…she has a point…

Ron's ghost: //glares//

Gaia: Ooh…it's Harry Potter….Guess what, Scar-boy!

Sirius: _Scar-boy!?!_ Don't call him that! //requires restraining by Remus to keep from attacking Gaia//

Harry: Um…I don't know. Tell me.

Gaia: That's cheating! You have to guess! //eats even more of the colored tubes - one would think she'd have run out by now//

Harry: Um…You're leaving?

Gaia: Nopeage! I know all about you! I know what's gonna happen to you!

Harry: //looking bewildered// Y-you do? How?

Gaia: //smiles proudly// 'Cause I'm smart like that. //bounces up and down, giggling like a high chipmunk//

Harry: Well, tell me then!

Gaia: //shakes head// Nope! That's cheating! Not unless…. //looks around with a plotting grin, or at least the best one she can manage while bouncing and notices Remus again.// REMMY!

Remus: AUGH! //screams when Gaia tackles him, pinning him to the ground//

Gaia: My first favorite! Me luvs you, Remmy!!! Will you bite me and make me a werewolf too? Huhuhuh? 

Remus: //recovers from shock// Why in the name of Merlin…?

Gaia: So's we can spend the full moons together!!! Duh, stupid! I can keep you company! Since your big dunderheads of friends either betrayed you, got themselves killed, or are on the run…I can be your friend!!! Will you bite me, Remmy-kun?

Remus: //shakes head vigorously// No. Absolutely not. How old are you anyway…? Aren't I a bit…old for you?

Gaia: //big cheesy Gaia grin// NopeNopeNope! I'm sixteen! Me likes older men! Me luvs _you_! //hugs him//

Ron's ghost: //sarcastically to Hermione's ghost// Isn't that sweet…they could howl together.

Gaia: //smiles at what Ron said// Ooh…Remus…Gaia…HOWL! Remus Gaia Howl! RemusGaiaHOWL! RemusGaiaHOWL! RemusGaiaHOWL! RemusGaiaHOWL!

Remus: //looks sick//

Harry: //interjecting impatiently// Will you tell me what you know, Gaia?

Gaia: //thinks// What I know? Hm… //begins singing// I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves..!

Everyone but Gaia (who is still singing): NOO!!! Stop the insanity!

Harry: I meant about me!

Gaia: //stops singing// Oh. That. Well why didn't you say so in the first place, silly? I'll tell you if…if…if… //smiles and eye twitches// If Remmy-kun snogs with me!

Remus: WHAT?!?!? No way!

Harry: //pleadingly// Aw, come on Remus…one little snog…we can see if Voldemort loses…just one little snog…?

Remus: //glares daggers at Harry, but is in no position to argue much//

Gaia: //claps hand rhythmically// SnogSnogSnog!! ExthellentExthellentExthellent!

Sirius: I think now would be a good time to effect my escape. Sorry, Moony, old pal. Love ya, mean it!

Remus: Now wait just a bloody minute! You don't think you're leaving me here with…with…_her?!_

Sirius: //thinks for a moment// Um…yes. //runs off into the forest. Ron and Hermione's ghosts run into the castle. Harry stays to watch.//

Gaia: //pulls out more of the brightly colored tubes// Guess what, Remmy!

Remus: //hopefully// You're going to get off of me?

Gaia: Nopeage! You're funny, Remmy-kun! Me likey that! No, I have extra snoggosity I must get rid of! 

Remus: If there is a God, he must hate me… //groans//

Gaia: //After another Recharge of powder of Doom, grins maniacally as a muscle in her face begins to have spasms// Ready, Remmy-kun? You want me to tell Scar-boy what happens to Old Moldy Voldy, right? Huhuhuh?

Harry: //nods vigorously - not only does he want to know what Gaia has to tell him, but he's interested in seeing how this whole thing will turn out. He's evil like that.//

Remus: //looks panicky//

Gaia: //grins evilly at the man she has pinned and then plants a big kiss on him//

Remus: //gag//

Harry: //laughing hysterically//

Gaia: //jumps up after getting her unwilling kiss and begins bouncing all over the grounds, allowing Remus to sit up, mortified// I snogged Remmy-kun! I snogged Remmy-kun! //continues saying this as she bounces like a rubber ball//

Harry: //calling after her// Hey! Tell me what you know now!

Gaia: //stops bouncing to think// Well…actually…I lied. Teehee! ^_^

Harry and Remus: WHAT!?!

Gaia: //giggles// Yup! Those books haven't been written yet, silly-head! Me lied again! //continues bouncing and chanting her triumph//

//Suddenly Professor McGonagall storms out onto the grounds//

McGonagall: What in the name of Merlin is going on? Did you do something to Professor Snape, Mr. Potter? He's wandering around the Entrance Hall blathering on about some powder…oh, my. //notices the crazed chipmunk-girl//

Gaia: I snogged Remmy-kun! Oh, hi, Minnie kitty! //waves at McGonagall//

Everyone: Minnie kitty?!

Harry: //muttering to Remus// Does she have a death wish?

McGonagall: //storms over to Gaia and grabs her by the ear// Young lady, if you cannot show respect…

Gaia: //squealing// Ow! Ow! Stop it! I plead the fifth! You can't do this to me, I'm American! It says so in the Treaty of Pizza!

//Everyone stops//

McGonagall: The treaty of what?

Gaia: //shrugs// I dunno. It sounded cool, though. Wanna Pixie Stick?

McGonagall: //coldly// No. You are going to see the Headmaster this instant!

Draco: //appears out of nowhere// Umm…he's kinda 'incapacitated' at the moment…with Madam Pomfrey…she seemed to like his new look…

McGonagall: //eyes bulge out in fury// WHA-?

Gaia: //giggles and sings// Dumbledore and Pomfrey, lying in a bed, F-U-C-

McGonagall: //yells// That will be quite enough from you!

Gaia: Kaykeday! //puts fingers in mouth and emits a shrill whistle//

//Everyone cringes but watches in wonder as a familiar Hippogriff flies from the sky to land by Gaia//

Gaia: Birdie! Say bye-bye, Birdie! //waves at everyone as she hops on Buckbeak's back// Bye-bye!

//The two adults and two teenagers, probably permanently traumatized, stare at the retreating figure//

Harry: Damn…that was crazy.

Draco: You could say that again.

Harry: Damn…that was crazy.

Draco: //buries face in hands// I was being sarcastic, Potter.

Harry: Oh. Okay.

Remus: //slowly picks himself up from the ground, shaking from his ordeal// Uh-oh…she left her bag. She'll probably be back…

//All four look at the sky as crazed laughter is heard.//

Gaia's voice: Happy cookies to all, and to all - GOOD NIGHT!!!

~~~~~

Next installment: **SevvieHesterBANG!**


End file.
